What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:27
Would this be the day?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
What was it like being spanked as a kid?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
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I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
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I said to her
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As a woman, what would be you response to a male friend’s offer of a full body massage?
One cannot live in the past .
I was very sick at this time too.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Are there many people here who suffer from schizophrenia?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I was seconnd youngest,
Ive learnt so much.
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
How does a man look at you when he is in love?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
But it wasn’t much.
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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Comes on , in middle age.
Why do people stop working towards achieving their dreams?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
(And it was in our own minds.)
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do I get spun and then want big fat cocks to suck?
We were not on the streets..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He knew the spot.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My life is so biszare .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When she asked me how she looked .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Im still living with it.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
My family never makes their pension either.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
So, i spoilt her more .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
She found it foreign!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I will be 64.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She loved him until the end.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She wouldn,t have been !
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
So whats the point in blame.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I was scared of men, in general
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It was going to be , some day.
I don,t even have a pension.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was 9 years of age.
All the time i was locked up.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
She was in good health!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I waited trembling.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But, we were locked up after school.
She married twice! .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I couldn’t, believe it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I think the readers, may guess!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is soul school!.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
What did i know ?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Put me off passion for life!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.